540+ Evernote entries,
14+ handwritten journals,
7+ years of devotions…and now I finally join the online blogging bandwagon.
Something about doing this and going public both excites and daunts me. Perhaps due to a fear of failure, or not wanting to step out of line, not wanting to act too quickly in case it wasn’t my time.. I have been risk averse. Perhaps there was merit and cause in waiting, learning patience and enduring a period of uncertainty. That was the season then. But recently I have been reminded of a couple of things:
– Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans (Proverbs 16:3). Another morning it was “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths (Prov 3:6).
– The parable of the talents (Mt 25) – we were given skills and talents to use to invest boldly for the kingdom. And here I was, like the one who dug a hole and buried it all to keep it safe..
Now, more than ever, I feel that the many puzzle pieces are coming together. Cautious and careful as I am, I had waited and asked, probed and prayed, restless and wanting, letting go and forgetting, passively waiting to be affirmed and sometimes actively attempting things on my own. And all the while something was brewing in my heart. God-given desires. Probably the biggest risk I have taken in life was the decision to forgo a full-time career in the business and legal world. Led with conviction, I started bible college and design school whilst working at the courts – what an unlikely combination. People questioned, and I still have many of my own, but I am certain that it will all make sense some day.
I have never considered myself a ‘writer’, but I have been affirmed and encouraged of late to give it a go. Looking back, perhaps the years of processing internal thoughts by journalling, of learning discipline in reading and reflecting on the word, of struggling to birth essays in law school and my love of reading since childhood – perhaps that was all for a reason too.
I’ve also wrestled with the idea of going anonymous.. It would be so much easier to take on a pen name and write as I please.. but I have always prayed for my life and experience to be fully transparent so that others can see God in my life. It will take time, but I hope to get there some day. I also pray that the temptation to make much of myself, rather than His glory never seize me. Here, I share with you a journey in progress – one little story my Maker has so artistically written over and throughout my life. For those who have happened to read through to the end, thank you.. I pray that my humble efforts can be used to turn even one to the Lord. There is much joy there.
Pray also for me. I start this with a pounding and a tremble, but I want to be free. Free from approval of people, judgment, regarding how I am perceived by others. Pray that I be honest and raw all the way. I want to be a risk-taker. It needn’t matter if things fail or succeed – I don’t want to be consumed by results-based thought. Reading this post, I see it dotted with a lot of ‘perhaps’. It suddenly reminds me of Jonathan, son of Saul, the first king of Israel, at the battle at Micmash. Before crossing over to defeat the Philistines he says, “It may be” or “Perhaps” the Lord will work for us (1 Sam 14). I see this as an act of faith. “Faith honours Him whom it trusts…the trusted Giver gets the glory.” (Martin Luther; John Piper in Solid Joys and Future Grace)
So I take this tentative first step.
I want this to be a statement of faith.
Let this be a testament to His saving grace and an endeavour where His love abounds.